Trust

God is really teaching me a lesson in trust lately. As a teacher, it is a scary time, districts are cutting like crazy and I have this fear of having this house and not having a job. Beyond that I took a step and told a friend something that I knew would hurt her and I had been avoiding because she is so wonderful I never wanted to hurt her. Then for some reason I feel that God is having me spend a lot of time by myself lately and if you know me, you that drives me crazy!!! Yes I own my own home but I hate being here by myself, but through each of these God has said to me, “trust me.” Through all of this it has been an emotional weekend for me. But through worship this morning and again tonight, which were both wonderful, I could just hear God saying, “trust me” and I had to say “ok” which I realized is hard for me. I have been hurt in the past by boyfriends and friends and so I have come to realize it is hard for me to trust, because so many people have broken me and turned their back on me. But the great thing about God is that He will never break our trust, we can walk away from Him, but He will never walk away from us. God’s love is so much bigger than any human’s love we have ever experienced that we can’t even completely understand it. His love never ends, it amazes me. When I stepped out in trust and talked to a friend, it was a very healing time and it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would at all and I knew God had provided. He had shown His faithfulness as He does so many times, just begging me to put all my trust in Him, but I continue to stop short of fully trusting Him. But my desire is to fully surrender all to God, knowing that He has proven Himself through the cross, to love me more than I could ever imagine. He has always been worthy of my trust, I just haven’t always been willing to give it to Him. But I am honestly going to try from now on not to worry, but to live in the joy that each day brings, and know that tomorrow and its problems will come but God will provide enough strength for each day and every situation. Lord, thank You that You provide the strength we need for every situation and every moment of each day. Lord, You never cease to amaze me. Please help me to put my trust in You daily and to not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough troubles of its own. Help me to truly delight in You.

A Life Long Lesson

"I know I have made a difference in these children’s learning experience; but, more
importantly, they have made a difference in my learning experience. For the rest
of my life, I will remember the little boy who one day gave me an F in my
Spanish lesson because I could not remember the words he had taught me the day
before and I wondered how many times he had felt the same way I did, but his
grade really mattered."

These are words I wrote as a sophomore in college, one of my first teaching experiences was working in an after school tutoring program with mainly migrant students. The little boy I spoke of made a huge impact on my life. You see while I was helping him with with his English spelling, he was teaching me Spanish. This little boy's family was a migrant family, everyone at home spoke Spanish and there was very little English spoken in the house, so the only exposure he got to it was at school. At the beginning of our time together I made a deal with him, if we could get through his homework I would let him give me a Spanish lesson. I'll be honest I don't remember what words he taught me - but I know I'll never forget this lesson, the day he gave me a F in Spanish. I'll remember it because it is the day I learned that the best education is not equal but equitable, it was the day I knew I wanted to be a teacher not for the pay or the summers off but for the difference I could make in lives of students like this one, students who no one at home could help with their homework, how many times had he recieved a F on assignment, because the work wasn't on his level in his language.

I have been thinking a lot lately with all the chaos of education reform and union busting about what I could do next, if I ever need to leave education. Today I thought about this experience and I remembered that I didn't enter into education for the pay, I will continue to teach, God willing, as long as that is where I feel He has placed me. You could take away my pay and my health care but the difference I make in the lives of students can never be taken away. That is why I am a teacher. Yes, at times I feel God's call to do more and right now I am wrestling with what that means but tomorrow I will walk in that classroom knowing that there are 20 students who are so close to being third graders, depending on me to teach them something new, depending on me to prepare them for the future - because they are the future of this country.

This post isn't about something new God is teaching me, but just something I wanted to share for all of those who have asked me why I stand where I do on Senate Bill 5 and the funding of education, because it is not about my pay, it is about what God has called me to do and more importantly it is about the next leaders of our country and the values I want to instill in them.

Broken hearted

Have you ever been so broken hearted that someone didn’t know Christ? Up until recently, I had been sad that people don’t know Christ but in the last month I have had an experience that has just made me so broken hearted that this person who is so dear to me, doesn’t know Christ. I have never experienced anything like this, it is constantly in my thought and I wonder how can I speak truth into this life. I am constantly praying over this person, that God would open the eyes and heart to see how much He loves them. I have cried, numerous times just wishing that they would open up to God and to me. Then tonight, it hit me, God felt that way about me at one time. When I was 17 I had period of time where I pretty much turn my back on God and most people, and now I can only imagine the emotions I put God through and how my actions must have grieved Him. Tonight, I was reminded of what He did for me on the cross and I just sat in awe because I realized that the way I feel over this person, God has felt that way over me.

Do you realize tonight that if you aren’t walking with Jesus He is grieving over you? That he wants to have a relationship with you? That your actions are hurting Him? I had never realized that – but it’s true.

If you are walking with Jesus are you broken hearted over the people in your life who aren’t walking with Him? Are you reaching out to them? I’ve realized over these past few weeks that I shouldn’t just feel this way over one person, but over ever person that God puts in my path that doesn’t know Him. I should constantly be praying for and interacting with these people showing them love and watching for the open door to speak the Gospel into their life.

Lately, I have been so selfish with my prayers – ok not lately but for most of my life, it has been about what God can give me but now I want my prayer life and my life in general to be about what I can give to God. You know, I’ll make it if He decides never to give me a husband, or if through this chaos I lose my job. But if I let someone I love and care about go on without knowing that God loves them, then what good have I done here on Earth?

Something about today, has opened my eyes again to the joy of my salvation and I never want to forget it because I want to continue sharing it on a daily basis.

Lord,
First of all I lift to you this someone that you have placed in my life and I just pray that you will use me to interact with them and show them your love. Lord, you know this burden that has been on my heart and I just pray that you would use me and anyone else to open eyes and hearts to what you want done in this life. Lord, I pray that you use whatever circumstance necessary to bring them to you.

And Lord for myself and for those reading this that are walking with you I pray that you would never again let us forget the joy of our salvation. That we would constantly be sharing this joy with others that they may come to know you and then teachers others. Lord, let my life not be about me, let me become less so that you can become more.

Thank you Lord for what you did upon the cross, I stand amazed by it daily.
In Jesus Name,
Amen

Listening

Isn’t it amazing how God speaks to us if we just take the time to listen? That’s what I’ve realized this weekend, so often it isn’t that God isn’t speaking to us it’s that we aren’t listening. I have heard His voice in so many “normal” situations this weekend that I just stand amazed tonight at my God.

He has spoken through a friend. A friend who allowed me to get away from my life for just a few hours in reality and be with her. Through our visit God really recharged me for my ministry. He gave me vision for things that I don’t think I would have seen if I hadn’t taken the time to be with this friend. I was amazed because I have called her my best friend for some time but this weekend I really realized why God has blessed me with her it’s because whenever I am with her I walk away knowing I have also been in the presence of God. She’s one of those friends that I can just be me with and she won’t judge me but love me and guide me in the right direction. And I am so thankful that God used her this weekend.

God also spoke through me through worship. If you know me, this isn’t as surprising, I love worship to me it is one of the most intimate times I have with God each week. There is something about the way music drives my mind and my soul that I just crave that time every week. But this week as we sang “I believe You’re more than enough for me.” I wrestled with that statement, I felt God saying, “If I don’t heal your dad, if I don’t bring you a husband will you still same I’m enough for you.” And I cried and I wrestled in my head knowing that I wanted to say yes but my heart was so unsure. And by the end of that song with hands raised I was able to really say, “Yes, God you and you alone will always be enough for me, I may forget it at times as life gets lonely but I know that You will always remind me that You are the only thing I could ever need.” It was a sweet surrender of the issues that plague my mind day in and day out.

Then he spoke through the words of a Christian author. I am leading a study on waiting for young adults and as I read over this week’s session God just really spoke to me in a very loud voice. There was a situation where I was considering taking matters into my own hands even though it went against what I believed. And as I read and the book talked about “short-circuiting” our waits by taking matters into our own hands I realized that God has a much better story than I could ever plan and I just have to wait.

He also spoke through a group of high school girls, in just the time I needed to hear it, reaffirming that I am doing the right thing. Their excitement for the gospel and for each other was just overwhelming tonight.

I believe that God didn’t wait to this weekend to speak all these things to me, rather it was just that I was ready and willing to hear them. I can’t tell you what got me to that place this weekend, because I don’t know that it was anything special other than I’ve been asking God to speak, to show me His plan. I don’t think there is a magical formula to hear God speak to you more. I just want to ask, are you listening? Because I know He is speaking to You tonight to, what is it that He wants to say? Give Him the chance and I’m sure He’ll use something ordinary to speak to you in an extraordinary way.

Thoughts From a Single Girl

Lately a lot of people have been curious about my love life or lack thereof. It seems I can’t go anywhere, especially church without someone asking me something or trying to set me up with someone. And while the interest I know is out of sincere concern and love for me sometimes it gets a little tiring.

What’s wrong with being friends with a guy first? Getting to know him and see if he has the potential for marriage. You know if I would have done that with some of my relationships when I was younger, I could have saved a lot of heartache. I would have realized that some of the great “Christian guys” I thought I was dating weren’t so great.

And what’s wrong with wanting the guys to do the pursuing? Yes, we live in a “modern” world but guys take note – girls like to be chased. We like you to do things for us, we like you to make us feel special and most of all we like you to ask first or to call first.

So yes, I do have a long list of qualities I want in a future husband but that is because I have been blessed with some amazing guy friends who have shown me it is possible to find those qualities in a guy, because they demonstrate those qualities in their everyday lives.

This morning Terry preached about doing everything with excellence in our jobs. But I don’t think it stops in our jobs and in our work for the church, like he said. Every area of our lives is to be lived in excellence as a testimony to how great our God is. And I believe that our relationships can often be a testimony to how great of a God we serve. And I know that I want my marriage to a testimony to the fact that I serve a big God who has forgiven me and blessed me with love that I so don’t deserve.

So girls, please take words of advice from someone older – don’t jump into a relationship but enjoy friendship. See if he has the qualities you like. Watch how he treats other girls especially his sister or mom. It will be a good sign of how he will treat you and don’t lower your standards, no matter what people say. God has someone out there for you and he will bring Him to you when the time is right. I have just heard so many girls younger than me talking about the relationships they want to be in. And some of them even quickly realizing the person doesn’t live up to their standards. Don’t settle for less than God’s best for your life. He never called us to live a substandard life but He said He came so that we might live the ABUNDANT life. And I believe that the abundant life is one where we do everything with excellence, including our relationships.
This is a lot of rambling and me processing a lot of conversations and events that have happened in my life recently. If you are a person who has said something please don’t take offence, I appreciate that you care enough and think enough of me to be that concerned for me, just realize that I am relying on God and I believe He has the most amazing plan out there.

When Love Takes Over

This week I experienced God in some pretty big ways. It was such an amazing time serving and worshipping and having fellowship with the kids. I will never be able to put all the God taught me this week into words. He renewed my passion for working with these kids. A passion which I had lost. I had forgotten why I was doing what I did, I had lost sight of how great it is to see kids grow in the love of God. But this week He reminded me of that in powerful ways.

But the sweetest lesson He taught me happened during worship. We had the privilege this week of worshipping with my friends, Ruah. All three of them have such sweet spirits and I love to watch them worship. Also, if you know me I love worship too. It has always been my favorite time of any church service. Years ago I was taught that we lift our hands in worship as an act of surrendering to God. Yet, at the beginning of this week I couldn't seem to lift my hands, especially not both of them and I could feel God calling me too. In that worship service God reminded me that I had trust Him to lift my hands in worship. In that moment I talked through everything I was struggling to trust Him with. My future spouse, if I would be teaching the rest of my life, starting a young adult Bible study and then I just gave it all to Him and raised both hands and cried. The rest of that week God challenged me not to hold onto any of those things but to always trust Him enough to surrender everything to Him.

These are only a few of the wonderful God moments that happened this week. Isn't it amazing how we serve we also learn.

Communication

Lately, I can’t seem to figure out where God is leading me. I think I understand and then I feel like He does a 180 and changes directions on me. I can’t seem to figure out what is my desire and what is His will and how they all fit together. Life has seemed so complicated in the last few weeks and I have wondered if he was even at work in my life at all.

And then I heard it – a still small that seemed as loud as someone screaming – I haven’t moved I’m still holding you together through all of this – but where have you been?

And I realized I have been so wrapped up in being busy that while it seemed I was having a relationship with God because I was doing Bible study and I was leading Bible study and I was volunteering at the church but I forgot the most important thing in all of this – to talk to Him about it all.

You can’t have a relationship without communication (Not sure how I really know that looking at my love life – but I know I have heard it) yet, I was trying to figure out the will of God in some really important stuff or things that at least seemed to be important without ever talking to Him directly about the situation. And reading this it seems so silly because I have known all along I have needed to ask for His direction but yet somehow I forgot to ask.

Life seems to get us so busy that we think we are having a relationship with God because we are doing all the “right” things but we aren’t really having a relationship because we aren’t talking to Him about anything. I think schedules must be one of Satan’s tools, because if we feel our schedules we often feel good about ourselves but if we get them to full even of good stuff we often get our focus off of God or forget to leave time to talk to Him.

So today if you haven’t talked to Him in a while take some to talk. I know I won’t get all the answers right away but it makes it a lot easier to accept when something happens when you know you’ve said – “Lord, not my will but yours be done” but don’t just say it to say – mean it, know that you really do want His will for your life – even if it means things don’t turn out like you think they should, because often they don’t because He has a bigger and better plan in mind and you won’t understand until you look back and see how He worked it all out.

Right now I don’t understand but I am trusting that He is working His will in my life – meaning that my life is bringing Him glory. And I can’t understand why in recent days He hasn’t allowed certain events in my life to happen but I can accept that He has a plan that only He knows.